This is the third in a series of articles about subjects that really annoy me. The list is long and growing. You could be here for some time……
“Getting old is no fun”, as my mum used to say. But I never thought it would happen to me. I do get occasional glimpses of an old man in the mirror, who is clearly far older than what I think I am. But oddly, if out with old friends, I think that they are showing signs of ageing, but that I must be Benjamin Button.
But I do whinge like one of those miserable old gits, you occasionally have the misfortune to meet. I constantly think about my next meal, and although I still find attractive the same age of women, that I did thirty years ago. They do not fancy me, nor did they thirty years ago!
Straight into it:
You are definitely trying to kill me; you told me this walk would be no more than four miles. That must had been six miles at least.
“Outdoor Active says five point five miles, so not six”
Five point five is nearer six than it is four. To punish both of us you can drive home, and I’ll have a kip. Best steal that Defibrillator from outside the village hall, just in case.
“I’m fine with the driving, do you need a hand getting into the car old man?”
We set off, I cannot believe she can drive so far without clearing the reversing sensor failure message, which sits in the middle of the tacho, and it overlays the reading that would normally be present there (selected choice: MPG) so I reach over press the end of the indicator stalk, which clears that message. And winds her up!
Do you not see that message? I cannot believe you live with it there.
“How about fixing the fault, so I would not have to clear it, each time I select Reverse”
I told you when they had the bumper off to fit the tow bar, I changed the wiring loom for the sensors, and the fault still did not clear. Volvo said I would need to take it in for them to confirm the cause and it is likely in need of a replacement module. Sod that expense, and as you reminded me this morning, even with the sensors working I still reverse into things.
“Go to sleep”
Jawohl Mein Fuhrer…….kerb!, kerb! yes, you managed to clip it, well done, that must take some doing with no other cars around. No wonder I am on first name terms with the guys at BA Alloys! To be fair to you, that kerb was what I would call unnecessary. I get why they have kerbs where there are footpaths, but in the middle of nowhere, other than it being on a bend, their installation is beyond me. Hey, what do I know, I never understand why they resurface with the chippings certain sections of roads and ignore the potholes on others. You know the ones: where they have 20 MPH speed limits, that absolutely everyone ignores. Unless resurfacing is to keep the windscreen replacement companies in business. Try riding a bike in all the loose stuff that gathers in the verge. These guys must be giving kickbacks to the councillors. Plus, the chippings block drains and get swept to where motorcyclist place their bikes on bends, perhaps it’s all part of the de-population agenda.
How come there is nothing coming the other way on these narrow roads to allow me to take the mickey out of your reversing?
You do realise you are doing 36 in a 30, don’t you?
And you are a bit close to that car in front, probably closer than when you felt
the need to tell me I was too close, when I was driving. It’s strange how that
perception of distance and speed differs depending on which seat you are in!
That was a spirited driving away from that roundabout after pulling out on that car, well done. Have I ever told you the story about Doug pulling out on the cars?
“Yes, many times, the last one being about 4 hours ago! And when you have a dynamic car, you must drive like a spirit”
Really, I told you that story this morning? I am losing it. At least you will be able to tell the story after I have passed on. It’s all true. You’ve been in the ‘Bird in Hand’ with me, and we have driven past the ‘Cock Inn’ sadly now closed, but the last time I was in it, with a previous Mrs Bedford, I saw Bill Bryson in there. The author of the book you are reading at night that keeps me awake with your constant giggling. I was a bit star struck on seeing him, and I really should had gone over and had a word. But my wife thought I had mistaken him. I have a history of that, as I once walked over to a guy in Disneyland or was it Disney World? who I thought I knew from Grimsby, it turned out he was American and had never visited England! Anyway, the waiter in the Cock Inn confirmed it was Bill Bryson.
That is my best claim to fame, before that it was working with a guy who had his shed erected by Rick Astley.
“Who is Rick Astley”
“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, nah, nah, nah” No? He may pop up here on Greatest Hits radio. He will be an old man now, but at his height he had the voice of an old man, with a young lad’s face, it looked odd, but he sounded great. Did you notice Ken Bruce never talked over the end of ‘Sultans of Swing? Now, he is a quality DJ. These guys that are put out to grass by the wankers at the BBC, still have great careers ahead of them.
This is a great track, check out the lyrics: “And if a ten-ton truck kills the both of us” I bet the Latvians do not write songs like that.
“No, we do not. Your love of Radiohead and The Cure goes some way to explain your moods”
Not forgetting The Smiths. Having a crap memory is great, I am also reading one of Bryson’s books, the one we found in the repurposed telephone kiosk in that village. I keep reading sections and think I am certain I have read it before. We only need to own one book and one film or TV series, and I could keep rewatching them every few months. Like we did with Game of Thrones and the first series of Fargo, the one with Martin Clunes in. No not Clunes, the guy who was in The Office and played the Hobbit in Harry Potter, what’s his name? Strange how all the follow-on series got gradually poorer, it was the same with True Detective, the first one with Mathew Mconakay and the guy from Cheers was great, after that it went downhill.
If you could only own one book, what would it be? I think I am going with the Highway Code, I just found the one I used to learn from for my test in the 70s, it was 6p Net. Sadly, that’s the only bit I could remember from it, I never could memorise the stopping distances on the back.
“I thought you were going to have a sleep”
I did nod for a few minutes, but woke up as I was drooling, plus I want to keep you away from the kerbs….like that one! Jeez, you missed it by millimetres. Or more accurately five thirty seconds of an inch or should that be five thirty twos? I also suspect I had my mouth wide open. And that aint a good look. It is on a baby or child, it looks cute, on an old man, or woman, it is scary!
My memory is that bad, I cannot recall any of those milestones in life, you know like first single, first album, first pay packet, name of first girlfriend, cost of first house, mortgage interest rate. It’s all gone. I’d like to think my first album was ‘Billion Dollar Babies’, but I suspect it was a K-Tel record about movie themes. I have nightmares that my first single may had been by Gilbert O’Sullivan.
“I’ve heard of them”
Yeah, not the same persons. Your wish never did come true, did it Roger?
“What are you talking about now?”
Roger Daltry singing “I hope I die before I get old” I also cannot believe they have not removed his stammer from the song. Remember when Clown Prince Johnson said: “I’d rather die in a ditch” and the press found some mother whose child had died in a ditch to show horror at his words? That’s where we are in this crazy world.
Yep, I thought that van was going to pull out on you, but I think you indicated left too early. You started before the junction he was on, and that confused him. Best not indicate at all, keep em guessing!
I think you will regret taking this route through the village, I think it is school pick-up time.
“I thought you liked looking at all the yummy mummys?”
I did thirty years ago, but it’s more like tummy mummys nowadays. There’s too much stretched flesh about for me. There are occasional ones that are kind to the eyes, but most of them are huge monsters, that look like club bouncers. I know I bang on about it, but they are going to be screwed in later life, as are their fat kids. It’s the Filipino nurses I feel for. Imagine lifting those fat twats on and off a bed or a stretcher. I will continue looking at Telegram on my phone, rather than those hulks. Now that one is a good-looking slim girl, no wonder she is stood alone, the posse of clones do not wish to mix with her. They are all too busy showing each other the Facebook photos of the all you can eat meal on their latest iPhone with the keys to their new Range Rover on show over their fat fingers.
“Do I detect some envy?”
New iPhone? They do nothing my 8 does not do, other than have numerous cameras. What’s wrong with just having one camera? There’s no worshipping at the altar of Apple for me.
New Range Rover? Easily stolen, and so insurance costs are ridiculous. It’s much better to have a car no one wants to nick. Apologies to this old girl, Kisses hand and places on dash. I have to say the Evoque is still good looking, but usually driven by women, no offence meant the rest are blingmobiles, hey look at me. If I had that sort of money, I would buy a Land Cruiser.
There is talk of food rationing coming in by some of the people I follow. These fatties will be struggling. They will be trying to steal our thousand cases of baked beans. It will be like the film ‘Zulu’ where they are climbing the walls, with Michael Caine shouting “front row fire” Don’t worry I haven’t ordered the beans yet. When I do, I will get you to double check the order on Amazon, to ensure I haven’t ordered the sugar free ones! I bought a pack of them by accident ages ago, and they were disgusting, I did not even realise proper beans contained sugar. I had to sprinkle them with sugar like corn flakes. I know you hate beans, but I lived on them, when you were away. Gotta be really accurate with microwave times though, as they tend to explode. Good thing is, you can eat them cold, when there will be no power. I usually heat up half a tin and eat up the other half as the others get zapped, with a spoon straight out the tin. Saves on washing up. I will put money on these lot not going anywhere near sugar free!
FFS, have you seen the line of parked cars? It must be 100 meters long, or in proper units: 95 yards, or is that 105 yards? A metre is slightly longer, therefore…yes 105 yards. No 95.
Whatever, I will just sit and read Telegram on my phone, you decided to come this way. While you wait for a gap in the cars coming the other way. If you decide to go and force the car at the other end to stop and let you through. Just give me a shout if you want me to wave, just to double up on how grateful we are. Or I could just point my finger at you and shout “she’s Latvian”
We are half a mile from home, is it too late to have a kip?