100 days in office and what are Starmer’s achievements (by PM Starmer):
Removal of pensioners’ winter fuel allowance. The Chancellor meanwhile claimed £4,000 to heat her second home. Bearing in mind she could not afford to manage on an MP’s income despite her civil servant husband being paid over £140,000 a year. It must be tough at the top having someone else bribe you with over £7,000 in “Office support”, oops, “I meant clothes”. Darn it. Those pesky journos investigating the claims in my entries in the register.
Meanwhile her royal scummy smugness, my deputy, declares a free trip to New York staying in a multi-million penthouse for a couple of hundred dollars a night. Yeah right, Ange. Good one luv. Oops, forgot to declare that she took her boyfriend with her. Never mind she can just pop over to Ibiza and rave it up in a DJ’s booth for another freebie instead of reading any of her ministerial briefs.
“This will be a government of public service”. Okay, let’s handover overseas territories to our enemies. Let’s start with Chagos islands. Umm, where next: Gibraltar or the Falklands. I know; I’ll ask them first if they want to be taken over by the Spanish. Maybe not, otherwise we may need to hold a “People’s Vote”.
Now how about those fluffy 14 year old desperate gimmegrants? Better not check their dental age, while giving them free dental care, warm hotels and letting them into classrooms with teenaged girls. About those veterans living on the streets PM? Eh, the jackboots of the evil British Empire you mean - they deserve everything that they don’t get.
What do you mean that you are only an upper income tax payer for pushing a few buttons? Here, have an unfunded pay rise comrade. Please don’t go on strike again, this week at least. And don’t forget our doctors who we force to work in third world conditions by turning up 3 days a week all the while letting their telephone operators work between 08:00 and 08:05. Brutal and heartless capitalists.
No, I’m not going to discuss my personal arrangements when staying months in my mate’s flat. It was my son what done it. Is that clear? Far better to take down portraits of white men who did something for their country and replace them with portraits of our brave downtrodden wimmin. You know, the ones with a cervix. (Ps “Sue, what is a cervix?” “It’s in your red box Starmer, you effin’ idiot.” “Oh, thanks Sue. Here, have a pay rise - why not?”).
Over to you...........
Tom Armstrong: We got a good haul there lads, just look at all those far right thugs and fanatic facebook bigots we got banged up, making the streets safe for A Akbar's crew and Hate not Hope's brownshirts. Let's crack open another bottle eh, we deserve it, and Alli's paying!
Frank Palmer: And look how kind we are going to be when we push through our compassionate assisted dying Bill, to ease people out whose lives are not worth living, according to us that is.
Steph: My mate Sue is doing well , I’ve just given her a job as a envoy to the nations , do you know what that means .. no me neither but I thought it sounded impressive !
CurlewCoast: Our really Green Millibrain can spend a handy 22 billion on capturing Co2 from the skies - trouble is he isn't aware the sky doesn't have a national border. Who will tell him over a bacon sandwich and a cup of reali tea?