EU Referendum 10th Anniversary Compilation
Life in The Bunker
(Incorporating extracts from Jeremy Corbyn's Secret Diary - Age 96¾)
Introduction
The 13 sketches were written during the campaign on the UK Referendum on the EU in 2016, roughly at one per week up until a week after the result was known on June 24th.
References to some of the contemporary news stories, such as the revelations of the ‘Panama Papers’, and President Barack Obama’s peculiar intervention may appear obscure to many readers today.
The author has, deliberately, as well as sub-consciously, drawn upon a number of influences in writing this satire, not least the Daily Telegraph’s ‘The Way of the World’ columns, ‘Dad’s Army’, and ‘Allo ‘Allo!’ from the old BBC TV series.
The penultimate chapter is drawn from his recollection of that mostly forgettable, star-studded film ‘Escape to Victory’, which is always good for a laugh.
In the tradition of satire, the author has attempted to ridicule both sides in this campaign although being fair-minded wasn’t uppermost in his mind.
Life in The Bunker
Part 2
Captain ‘Call-me-Dave’ Cameron was sat at his desk and not in the mood to deal with anybody, let alone ancient dodderers, as his office door was opened by Private Clarke bearing his red cross armband on his baggy uniformed arm. He steeled himself to be coldly courteous. "What is it, Clarke? I'm terribly busy and I don't need to tell you how important my work is.". Private Clarke looked at Cameron through his aged, milky eyes, took the seat in front of the desk and stared at something behind Cameron which obviously pleased him.
Cameron followed the old man's gaze and saw the faded picture from a magazine depicting a man smoking a small cigar, beneath which was a caption, "Happiness is a cigar called Hamlet.". Happiness was no longer available to Captain Cameron. He was, presently, about as happy as a bastard on Fathers' Day, as some disreputable, long-lost antipodean relative would no doubt spit at him. Captain Cameron was terse with the ancient relict. "This better be damn good. Don't waste my time, Clark!".
"My sister, Dolly has a most efficacious remedy which she tells me will do wonders for your efforts to beat the British Resistance.". Captain Cameron had a nigh-on overwhelming compulsion to throttle the old fart and simultaneously expunge all of his ilk from the Remainian forces. In fact, if he could get away with it, he would sack anybody over the age of 55, especially those who kept telling him that he'd made a complete bollocks of the whole affair by allowing all the plebs to have a say in the future of the country. Bugger.
"OK Clark, you've got two minutes to tell me what your sister has come up with, starting now! “.”Well sir, it's like this," began Clark, and as his old oyster-like eyes were drawn again to the image on the wall, he fidgeted nervously. "My sister Dolly thinks that you should try to be honest and that this will be appreciated by all of the people. Of course I've never held this view, but I'm starting to think that Dolly may have been right for all these years. Is it too late?". Captain Cameron knew that he should remain calm and that, if he didn't, he would either have a massive stroke or end up being convicted of murder.
"Thank you Private Clark. Dismissed."
The recent news that the members of the British Resistance were more determined to eat each other's heads than fight the Remainian forces was some consolation to Captain Cameron, and he started to consider that there may be a positive side to losing his ‘Blond Bombshell’ after all.
If it happened that his weapon of mass-persuasion became unstable, who knew what might happen. It was certainly probable that Boris de Stauffenberg Johnson could wreak more havoc amongst his new allies, intentionally or otherwise, than he could be facing the right way - not a consideration which would occur to Boris.
The absurdity of Boris, Captain Nigel "Bonkers" Farage, Michael "Speccy" Gove and Colonel Iain "Quietly" Duncan Smith even passing the time of day with each other without blood being shed was patently obvious.
"We're all doomed! It's the apocalypse!". Private Brown, another ancient Remainian, burst into his office fixing an eye on the same old picture and, unusually, another on his commanding officer. "We're all doomed! But I can save ye and all of us if ye'll heed ma words. I've done it before in years gone by and, God willing, I can do it again.".
Captain Cameron attempted to remove Private Clark, who'd dozed off and was dribbling a slightly brown coloured saliva over his shoulder. Looking desperately for help, he leapt a few, illegal, inches when he noticed that Private Mandelson had slithered into the office through a door which Cameron hadn't actually ever noticed before.
"Excuse me Captain, sir, might I be of assistance?". Cameron was taken aback and murmured a grateful, "Oh yes, please. Do you think you might help these old chaps back to the assembly hall and tell all the other chaps to be on parade in ten minutes at, hmm, 19.30 hrs?". Seconds later Captain Cameron was staring into the gimlet eyes of Private Mandelson. It occurred to him that there were rather too many eyes in his life at present.
He particularly didn't like the ones he was now fixed by. As eyes went, he rather thought that these must be the most unpleasant he'd seen, certainly since those of the Matron in the School San at Prep-School, who'd told him to stop being such a sissy and that latex, talcum powder, and Vaseline were very healthy for growing boys.
Shifting nervously in his seat, he asserted his authority.
"State your business Private Mandelson and then go and join the men on parade."
"Certainly Captain. Sir. I only meant to enquire if Sir was in need of anything. And if Sir might be open to a suggestion that I might be able to make which would help Sir out of a tricky situation, Sir.". Mandelson, slithered into the vacant chair, lit a small cigar, exhaled and switched on the headlights which paralyzed the rabbit that was now Captain Cameron.
What was left of Captain Cameron sat and listened to the dastardly plan......